Dear Diary

I know pain. I know tears.
I know confusion. I know financial insecurity. I know fear. I know the loss of friends. I know frustration. I know loneliness. I know the loss of self. I know all these things - and I SURVIVED THEM.
I Am A Traumatic Brain Injury Survivor
I am not a survivor by chance.

Saturday, October 21st, 2017 10:11PM
Dear Diary,
Ahhh finally I have a moment to lay down and get all these thoughts off my mind. For a minute, I just want to be thankful. Thankful for the direction I’m in and for the people who have stuck by my side, along with those who haven’t. I am who I am today with a smile on my face and so many great things in the works. One of my friend’s saw me today and mentioned how I’m always so bubbly while questioning how it’s possible. Well for one I can say I love getting to see and spend time with my friends. Maybe I value it a little bit more then I should? That thought also kind of goes hand in hand with another situation I was recommended to cool it about. A friend attempting to direct my recognition of “just because you keep in touch through messages does not mean someone cares about you.” I guess I put too much value on staying in contact with someone. For me it seems to feel like so much more, and I can’t say I don’t know why. Clearly a cognitive battle I haven’t seemed to win yet, but goodness it is such a great feeling to even pretend it’s real sometimes. I should pull my head out of the effing clouds, haha. I’m glad I was given a reality check today, and in such a nice fashion must I say. I think not being around people for long periods of time kind of obstructs my vision a bit of what things really mean. The examples used to open my eyes really put things into perspective though. Some really jabbed me with a knife yet were so accurate I couldn’t help, but note their value. Anyways, I can’t think straight anymore I’m exhausted I need to get to sleep. Night-night-xo, Chris

Thursday, September 21st, 2017 9:42pm
Dear Diary,
I'm pooped. My body is aching from my neck and spine pain. My headache won't subside, or wait, "migraine" should I say. I really have to start a medical calendar log of my migraines again and talk to my neurologist about them because I just can't handle the pain like I used to anymore. Not complaining though. Tackling it for what it is. Before I keep going on and on, I'm going to get up and take some Tylenol Extra Strength. xo, Chris

Wednesday, September 20th, 2017 6:49pm
Dear Diary,
I'm in pain right now and just don't have a clue. Feels like I've been having an anxiety attack since earlier this afternoon. I don't know what is making me so blue. I thought life was going well now, like I can almost touch the moon. I keep trembling and my heart does too. I reached out to an old friend, I hope and pray she can be here soon. xo, Chris

Friday, September 15th, 2017 1:28pm
Dear Diary,
Lately I've felt like things weren't in sync for some reason. Couldn't quite put my finger on it. I still am somewhat feeling the imbalance of stuff. I'm working so hard on leveling life out though. For school I have to hurry up and turn in my 1040EZ. I always wanted to get certified as a tax preparer. The way I see it is being well educated in that area can play an incredibly valuable asset in life. That being said I'm going to put a lot of time into filing this on my own instead of hiring someone else to do it for me. I'm terrified of school this semester though. I don't think scholarships are going to pay my way through school anymore. It's really frightening for me because since I've been in college my scholarship took care of my class expenses. I would also receive money to put towards my books too, but this semester there have been changes made to the FAFSA. I'm still going to continue filling out scholarship applications, but school has never been so hard before. I did make a big mistake of changing my major a gazillion times, but it is what it is. I'm terrified of taking out student loans, but I think I have done enough to convince myself it is the right thing to do. Giving up just is not an option for me. Never has been. No matter how hard I get hit...I always get up and try again. And again, and again and again and again. Getting my PhD is one of those hidden goals I don't say much about, but it's there. I have to make it all the way up. So, since I was a kid I told myself that. School was one of the only things in life that made me feel any type of secure, but something is better than nothing. No one can take my degrees away from me. Anyways, let me get off here and get back to life. I have some work to do, but feel great that I got to vent. I am going to ensure I set aside time every day from now on to pour my heart out in my diary like this. Good for my soul. And PS, I might have a crush? Involuntary of course, but my uncertainty gets the best of me sometimes so, to be continued, haha, until next time. xO, Chris

Tuesday, August 8th, 2017 4:22pm
Dear Diary,
Ahhhh I had such a great talk yesterday with one of my long-lost YMCA brothas, haha. Every time I planned on reaching out to him I see him all over social media somewhere else in the world. When I was talking to him yesterday, I was like, bruh wtf are you doing with your life now? I can't catch up! Lol! The last time our YMCA squad was all together was at this place called something like "The Vue?" It was a club in Saint Petersburg. I don't think it's even still there anymore, but we were all there for one of their bachelor parties. It was the BEST time ever! I miss them so much. I'm over it. Bob Sierra YMCA reunion time it is! xO, Chris

Monday August 7th, 2017 7:02pm
Dear Diary,
It has been at least a month now that I've been sick. My immune deficiency is really making me tread hard this time. I go to a number of different doctors and it blows my mind how under that much "care" I can even GET sick. I'm finally starting to feel a little better. A month later. Amen to that. The amount of pressure in the frontal lobe of my head was pressing so hard it felt like my eye balls were going to pop out. Taking away my ability to think straight completely. I could hardly think at all. I remained going into the studio still and trying to catch up on work with my agent, but even he started noticing I was unable to control the symptoms. I made the decision to make an appointment with my Otolaryngologist. I wasn't expected to see him again until given an immune deficiency clearance from my Asthma Allergy and Immunology Doctor. I started feeling the intensity of my symptoms rapidly increase so I scheduled an appointment with my Otolaryngologist in strong hopes his medical care would make me feel better. He took the next step and prescribed me two more weeks of steroids and an antibiotic along with giving me a long diagnosis of tonsillitis, pharyngitis, allergy inflammation and a continuing immune deficiency. Fun stuff huh? Haha. Turns out a few days shortly after, I mingled into the business center in my apartment complex clubhouse to meet a woman who just moved here from Chicago. Guess what she is...a doctor! Man the universe and God always seem to have my back in the simplest yet attention grabbing fashion. She screened me with all the general medical questions. She was right on the money when she asked if I was sleeping a lot and eating more then I usually do. The answer was heavily yes to both. She recommended I stop taking the steroids because that was what was making me sleep and eat a lot. By continuing it for another 2 weeks I would have easily gained at the least five pounds she said. If the antibiotic was not making me feel better after three or four days, she said, it was time to call my doctor and let him know the ineffectiveness of the medications. She recommended I request a Zpac. Right when she mentioned it I knew it was a great idea. Those have always worked really well for me. I acted on her recommendations and am now on my last day of the Zpac. After all that being said, from now on I'm ODing on Vitamin C. Just now realizing the Trader Joe's Women's Formula Multivitamin I take daily only has 120mg of Vitamin C in it! Wtf? How disappointing. I wish I would have paid closer attention. I'm going to drink three Emergen-C 1,000mg Vitamin C supplements daily from now on. Proper daily intake of Vitamin C...CHECK! xO, Chris

June 27, 2017 1:59pm
Dear Diary,
It's only the early afternoon and so far today has been amazing. I have positive energy flowing everywhere in my world. Amen to that. I knew it would take a couple days. I have a number of things going on all around me in different sectors of my life, and as always, "thinking like an engineer" (so I've been told, haha) keeping myself busy piecing out all the pros and cons as I continue aiming to make the best decisions possible. So far I seem to be on the right track. I think. Haha. xO, Chris

June 25, 2017 10:33pm
Dear Diary,
I'm having a bunch of mixed emotions bouncing all around inside me lately. I'm trying to pay attention to each of them one at a time and a bit exhausted by it. I'm passing out. Goodnight xO, Chris
May 15, 2017 5:06am
Dear Diary,
I cannot fall asleep. The pain in my neck will not stop and my head really hurts from it. I have a lot of paperwork to complete and turn in today by 3:45pm, but you know what. I don't care because I had a great day-worth every minute of it. I will make sure today I schedule my physical therapy appointments for the week and do some yoga #StoryofMyLife. xO, Chris

May 10, 2017
Dear Diary,
Where do I belong? I am so unsure of it, and feel like it is a never-ending search. I change my mind so consistently it makes everything I do take ten times longer than it should. What is my purpose? It feels like the fear will never go away, but sometimes the fear, isn't there, yet only momentarily. There are only few times when I am comfortable enough to open about it, but when I finally do, stuff feels like it comes back on me. That is when I start to hate myself for what I did. What I did by being comfortable enough to tell another individual, or newly made friend. I try really hard to overcome that fear, but it seems like I am only confident doing it through a diary. Like a hidden closet that is misunderstood by those around me who cannot understand my differences from them. I used to send people a link to read about my disability before they continue wanting to associate themselves with me, but I feel like it hurt more than it helped me. I wish I could fix being so misunderstood. I am holding a lot of hope in the TBI rehabilitation program my doctors want me to get into. There is no space for me until the end of June, but I really want it to get there sooner. I feel like I am just going to mess things up again if I keep coming out of my room. I just need to stick to my happy xO, Chris