GIVING HER ALL

"All you can do, is everything you can."





The Red Tea Detox
The Red Tea Detox
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Dear Diary

Friday, January 19, 2018 9:18 pm
Dear Diary,
I'm in Atlanta. I've been here about a week now. I drove up here to participate in the Love Your Brain Yoga six week series. It took almost a year on the waiting list to earn my spot, but I'm glad it finally came. I needed to get out of town. I was too wrapped up in my thoughts down there. I slept in my car the first night I was up here. I wore a ski jacket to sleep and had my attire layered up to keep warm. The temperature was in the teens that night and it started snowing! I didn't know it until a friend of mine who's a local here asked me through text if I was okay to drive in the snow, I was like, "WHAT?" I sat up in my driver seat and saw snow all over the cars in the garage I was parked in. Something even funnier, much earlier that morning that happened before the sun even came out was an alarm going off. Bright flashing lights with a piercing loud siren screaming, "THIS IS AN EMERGENCY EVACUATION," etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, blah, blah, blah. I spring up, looked around, listened to it, got a little scared for a second then giggled and went right back to sleep. Wish me well on that, haha. xo, Chris

Monday, January 8, 2018 well technically the 9th because it's 12:17 am, but whatever. You get it.

Dear Diary,
Something is missing. There's something that isn't right, but I just can't put my finger on it. I need a life compass to help me figure it the he** out. What way to go and which way I'm already headed. Am I doing the right things? Making the right moves? Or am I about to fall into the same trend that takes me down about every two years? Those breaks people get in their lives that they show on TV...you know...those lights at the end of the tunnel...where's mine? I feel so lost in translation. I always thought I saw the bright side of things no matter how deep in the gutter circumstances were, but where I'm at now it seems like I have it all wrong. Everything has a season, okay, but what am I missing? What's my disconnect? xo, Chris

Friday, January 5, 2018 7:19 am

Dear Diary,
I'm in a pretty thankful mood this morning. Just because. Because I'm growing up more and more everyday. Some days hurt more then others, but I have goals to achieve. I'm snapping the he*l out of having flashbacks so consistently. Sleeping is still a battle, but I should be back into a routine again soon. It's a goal of mine. I recently was given some pretty powerful results of an evaluation I was supposed to have taken like five years ago, but hey. Whatever. Better late then never right? The doctor didn't tell me anything I felt like I didn't already know, but ofcourse it's still on my mind. One thing I can say I learned from my experiences last year that a close friend of mine helped me recognize over again is, if someone is making me feel bad about myself, no matter what or who they ever claimed to be, I need to stay away from them. It reminded me of something Kevin Pearce said last year in Atlanta, "your brain lies." Umm yes I made a note I've really gotta catch back up with him, his brother Adam or Adam's girl friend about this. Haha. Well, I'm going to do some stuff that makes me feel good today like yoga, update this blog I put on the back burner, make some decisions about school, go pray at a church near me and prepare for my six weeks of Love Your Brain Yoga at Evolution Yoga in downtown Atlanta I've been waiting for since February last year! I'm so excited I can't wait! I'm really looking forward to this experience in more then one way. Well Diary, until next time. xo, Chris

Sunday, December 24, 2017 11:12 pm

Dear Diary,
Ew. I just read my last entry. What a terrible vibe lol. No no no, tomorrow is Christmas. I can't keep that crap up. I've been stayed at a friend of mine's place watching Christmas movies. I don't have a habit of watch TV, at all, but my friend continues bringing up the idea of  watching more Christmas movies, haha. I wasn't really about it when asked if I wanted the TV left on tonight while they were at work. You know what though, I think enough Christmas movies have played since they left for work that I might just have to admit to myself, it's beginning to feel like Christmas now. The spirit and love of the season continues overflowing on the TV screen. Good feels are finally flowing again. Removing thorns stuck in my life has made a life worth living impact. I even got out and went to dinner and drinks the other night celebrating a close friend of mine's birthday. It couldn't have turned out better. A new spot called American Social is where we went after dinner and we had nothing but a blast. I ran into a number of people I know that evening, and even reconnected with one worth keeping around. How 'bout 'dat? Haha. We made plans to hang out this week. I heard the words Mexico, traveling, and family. Okay I'm in, lol. Merry Christmas and until next time. xo, Chris

Monday, December 11, 2017 11:02 pm
Dear Diary,
What's love? I can't recognize it anymore. Does it really exist and last forever? When someone says you'll be friends forever...is there anyone who actually means it? xo, Chris
Saturday, October 21, 2017 10:11 pm
Dear Diary,
Ahhh finally I have a moment to lay down and get all these thoughts off my mind. For a minute, I just want to be thankful. Thankful for the direction I’m in and for the people who have stuck by my side, along with those who haven’t. I am who I am today with a smile on my face and so many great things in the works. One of my friend’s saw me today and mentioned how I’m always so bubbly while questioning how it’s possible. Well for one I can say I love getting to see and spend time with my friends. Maybe I value it a little bit more then I should? That thought also kind of goes hand in hand with another situation I was recommended to cool it about. A friend attempting to direct my recognition of “just because you keep in touch through messages does not mean someone cares about you.” I guess I put too much value on staying in contact with someone. For me it seems to feel like so much more, and I can’t say I don’t know why. Clearly a cognitive battle I haven’t seemed to win yet, but goodness it is such a great feeling to even pretend it’s real sometimes. I should pull my head out of the effing clouds, haha. I’m glad I was given a reality check today, and in such a nice fashion must I say. I think not being around people for long periods of time kind of obstructs my vision a bit of what things really mean. The examples used to open my eyes really put things into perspective though. Some really jabbed me with a knife yet were so accurate I couldn’t help, but note their value. Anyways, I can’t think straight anymore I’m exhausted I need to get to sleep. Night-night-xo, Chris

Thursday, September 21, 2017 9:42 pm
Dear Diary,
I'm pooped. My body is aching from my neck and spine pain. My headache won't subside, or wait, "migraine" should I say. I really have to start a medical calendar log of my migraines again and talk to my neurologist about them because I just can't handle the pain like I used to anymore. Not complaining though. Tackling it for what it is. Before I keep going on and on, I'm going to get up and take some Tylenol Extra Strength. xo, Chris

Wednesday, September 20, 2017 6:49 pm
Dear Diary,
I'm in pain right now and just don't have a clue. Feels like I've been having an anxiety attack since earlier this afternoon. I don't know what is making me so blue. I thought life was going well now, like I can almost touch the moon. I keep trembling and my heart does too. I reached out to an old friend, I hope and pray she can be here soon. xo, Chris

Friday, September 15, 2017 1:28 pm
Dear Diary,
Lately I've felt like things weren't in sync for some reason. Couldn't quite put my finger on it. I still am somewhat feeling the imbalance of stuff. I'm working so hard on leveling life out though. For school I have to hurry up and turn in my 1040EZ. I always wanted to get certified as a tax preparer. The way I see it is being well educated in that area can play an incredibly valuable asset in life. That being said I'm going to put a lot of time into filing this on my own instead of hiring someone else to do it for me. I'm terrified of school this semester though. I don't think scholarships are going to pay my way through school anymore. It's really frightening for me because since I've been in college my scholarship took care of my class expenses. I would also receive money to put towards my books too, but this semester there have been changes made to the FAFSA. I'm still going to continue filling out scholarship applications, but school has never been so hard before. I did make a big mistake of changing my major a gazillion times, but it is what it is. I'm terrified of taking out student loans, but I think I have done enough to convince myself it is the right thing to do. Giving up just is not an option for me. Never has been. No matter how hard I get hit...I always get up and try again. And again, and again and again and again. Getting my PhD is one of those hidden goals I don't say much about, but it's there. I have to make it all the way up. So, since I was a kid I told myself that. School was one of the only things in life that made me feel any type of secure, but something is better than nothing. No one can take my degrees away from me. Anyways, let me get off here and get back to life. I have some work to do, but feel great that I got to vent. I am going to ensure I set aside time every day from now on to pour my heart out in my diary like this. Good for my soul. And PS, I might have a crush? Involuntary of course, but my uncertainty gets the best of me sometimes so, to be continued, haha, until next time. 
xo, Chris

Tuesday, August 8, 2017 4:22 pm
Dear Diary,
Ahhhh I had such a great talk yesterday with one of my long-lost YMCA brothas, haha. Every time I planned on reaching out to him I see him all over social media somewhere else in the world. When I was talking to him yesterday, I was like, bruh wtf are you doing with your life now? I can't catch up! Lol! The last time our YMCA squad was all together was at this place called something like "The Vue?" It was a club in Saint Petersburg. I don't think it's even still there anymore, but we were all there for one of their bachelor parties. It was the BEST time ever! I miss them so much. I'm over it. Bob Sierra YMCA reunion time it is! 
xo, Chris

Monday August 7, 2017 7:02 pm
Dear Diary,
It has been at least a month now that I've been sick. My immune deficiency is really making me tread hard this time. I go to a number of different doctors and it blows my mind how under that much "care" I can even GET sick. I'm finally starting to feel a little better. A month later. Amen to that. The amount of pressure in the frontal lobe of my head was pressing so hard it felt like my eye balls were going to pop out. Taking away my ability to think straight completely. I could hardly think at all. I remained going into the studio still and trying to catch up on work with my agent, but even he started noticing I was unable to control the symptoms. I made the decision to make an appointment with my Otolaryngologist. I wasn't expected to see him again until given an immune deficiency clearance from my Asthma Allergy and Immunology Doctor. I started feeling the intensity of my symptoms rapidly increase so I scheduled an appointment with my Otolaryngologist in strong hopes his medical care would make me feel better. He took the next step and prescribed me two more weeks of steroids and an antibiotic along with giving me a long diagnosis of tonsillitis, pharyngitis, allergy inflammation and a continuing immune deficiency. Fun stuff huh? Haha. Turns out a few days shortly after, I mingled into the business center in my apartment complex clubhouse to meet a woman who just moved here from Chicago. Guess what she is...a doctor! Man the universe and God always seem to have my back in the simplest yet attention grabbing fashion. She screened me with all the general medical questions. She was right on the money when she asked if I was sleeping a lot and eating more then I usually do. The answer was heavily yes to both. She recommended I stop taking the steroids because that was what was making me sleep and eat a lot. By continuing it for another 2 weeks I would have easily gained at the least five pounds she said. If the antibiotic was not making me feel better after three or four days, she said, it was time to call my doctor and let him know the ineffectiveness of the medications. She recommended I request a Zpac. Right when she mentioned it I knew it was a great idea. Those have always worked really well for me. I acted on her recommendations and am now on my last day of the Zpac. After all that being said, from now on I'm ODing on Vitamin C. Just now realizing the Trader Joe's Women's Formula Multivitamin I take daily only has 120mg of Vitamin C in it! Wtf? How disappointing. I wish I would have paid closer attention. I'm going to drink three Emergen-C 1,000mg Vitamin C supplements daily from now on. Proper daily intake of Vitamin C...CHECK! 
xo, Chris

June 27, 2017 1:59 pm
Dear Diary,
It's only the early afternoon and so far today has been amazing. I have positive energy flowing everywhere in my world. Amen to that. I knew it would take a couple days. I have a number of things going on all around me in different sectors of my life, and as always, "thinking like an engineer" (so I've been told, haha) keeping myself busy piecing out all the pros and cons as I continue aiming to make the best decisions possible. So far I seem to be on the right track. I think. Haha. 
xo, Chris

June 25, 2017 10:33 pm
Dear Diary,
I'm having a bunch of mixed emotions bouncing all around inside me lately. I'm trying to pay attention to each of them one at a time and a bit exhausted by it. I'm passing out. Goodnight 
xo, Chris
May 15, 2017 5:06 am
Dear Diary,
I cannot fall asleep. The pain in my neck will not stop and my head really hurts from it. I have a lot of paperwork to complete and turn in today by 3:45pm, but you know what. I don't care because I had a great day-worth every minute of it. I will make sure today I schedule my physical therapy appointments for the week and do some yoga #StoryofMyLife. xo, Chris

May 10, 2017
Dear Diary,
Where do I belong? I am so unsure of it, and feel like it is a never-ending search. I change my mind so consistently it makes everything I do take ten times longer than it should. What is my purpose? It feels like the fear will never go away, but sometimes the fear, isn't there, yet only momentarily. There are only few times when I am comfortable enough to open about it, but when I finally do, stuff feels like it comes back on me. That is when I start to hate myself for what I did. What I did by being comfortable enough to tell another individual, or newly made friend. I try really hard to overcome that fear, but it seems like I am only confident doing it through a diary. Like a hidden closet that is misunderstood by those around me who cannot understand my differences from them. I used to send people a link to read about my disability before they continue wanting to associate themselves with me, but I feel like it hurt more than it helped me. I wish I could fix being so misunderstood. I am holding a lot of hope in the TBI rehabilitation program my doctors want me to get into. There is no space for me until the end of June, but I really want it to get there sooner. I feel like I am just going to mess things up again if I keep coming out of my room. I just need to stick to my happy place...yoga. xo, CAT

February 7, 2017
Dear Diary,
On Friday, February 3rd, 2017 I took a huge step. In 2013, a year after my TBI there was a movie produced by Lucy Walker proposed for me to watch called The Crash Reel. The impact this movie made on me was unforgettable. From that point on it was like having a little Kevin Pearce meme on my shoulder who could completely level with me in ways I couldn't get anybody else to. I don't know, imagination I guess? Haha, after hearing stuff he said in the movie struck me deep because it made me think, WOW, HE GETS IT. This guy Kevin effing gets it. I used to say the exact same phrases and words. This really fascinated me. Nobody has the capability of reaching that lever of communication with me like that. In my little TBI bubble, "other people just don't have the ability to understand." So this passed Friday, I hopped in my little manual 2007 white Mazda 3 and floored it eight hours to Atlanta, Georgia to meet up with Kevin, his brother Adam and surprisingly his wife, Kyla Pearce was there too! She was like a little secret blessing in disguise. I'm incredibly thankful I was given the opportunity to spend time with them. It was the first time I had ever driven that far alone before. I had a million things racing through my mind, but I got nervous when I walked in and saw Kevin. I was thinking, okay, hmm-where the hell did all those racing thoughts go? Poof! A few months ago I was told I was looking at spine surgery due to the cortisone epidurals I was getting not having a lasting effect to reduce the pain. Instantly all I could think to do was reach out to Adam and ask if he would consider giving me a little guidance. 

May 1, 2014
Dear Diary,
At random moments it helps me a lot to sit back and look at pictures. The times we have had are such valuable assets to my life and I am never sure of the right ways to show how much I appreciate them. They are my world. They are the reasons I spend everyday trying to improve so much. Not only to make my life better but to give you a valid purpose to say you're proud of me. I get upset with myself because I refuse to let you down and I'm not going to. No matter what it takes. "I will not let situations get the best of me!"


October 25, 2013 11:21 pm
Dear Diary,
Just smile. Smile and laugh through it all. Understand that people have bad days and time still moves forward no matter what. Laugh, keep it real, and don’t pay any attention to people who build a negative attitude around you, because you know what… they really do not matter. They will not be next to you and supporting you for the rest of your life. There are amazing people you have in your life that do and will. It is not easy to realize what a strong impact the positive people make in your life… until you have to deal with all of the negativity others surround you with slapping you in the face back to back. Push them away. If they really wanted to be by your side, they would be. Wake up every day and think of all the people who are REAL. Focus and do not let people whose lives are based on pictures, brands, muscles and putting people down so they can build themselves up. Have pitty on them and JuSt SMILE… LAUGH IT OFF!! :-P 

September 12, 2011 12:07 am
Dear Diary,
I am twenty one years old. I am a bartender in downtown Miami at the Blue Martini. I can't help my mind from spinning because all I can think about is how will I create a better future for myself? I feel so alone in the world and can't seem to find anyone who relates to the way I feel about success. I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life to create the future I want, but nothing seems to come to me. I meet so many successful and wealthy people, then there are the people who do what they love and are just extremely happy. Why is it every time I try to do something it just doesn't make me happy? Don't get me wrong, I make pretty good money being a bartender, but if that's the case, why am I not fulfilled? Why don't I wake up everyday with a smile on my face happy to go to work and excited about the day and what it will have to bring. Why does my mind run the way it does? I have so much passion I feel I could put towards something, yet I can't seem to figure out what it is and I'm searching. I feel like I have been searching for too many years. I am a good person with a great heart and the best intentions, but I can't make anything work. It has come to the point where I have no social life what so ever and all I do is sit around and stress about what there is to do with my future. I can come up with tons of ideas and never implement them. I need a little input from the public. Is there anyone else out there like me? Or someone who can offer some advice? Let's talk.-CAT

DEAR DIARY
I know pain. I know tears.
I know confusion. I know financial insecurity. I know fear. I know the loss of friends. I know frustration. I know loneliness. I know the loss of self. I know all these things - and I SURVIVED THEM.
I Am A Traumatic Brain Injury Survivor
I am not a survivor by chance.

AND I
OWN IT.
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